Marketing

Remembering Mohan Kuruvilla

India's B2B sales guru, Mohan Kuruvilla is probably the one person that has influenced me the most with regards to sales. He is a master story teller and his sense of humor is legendary amongst b-school students. His lines are truly memorable and they make you fall in love with B2B sales. Here are a list of his punch dialogues which I found on some old notebooks and well as some online forums/blogs.   

"Jabardast! Kya jabardast case study hain!"

"Marketing is an intoxicating subject."

"Ek baar mann lag jayega to itna anand aata he, puchiye mat Sir. Jabardast anand aata hain."

A student was asked to present facts in his class. To him, Mohan Sir keeps on saying, "Aap kuch padh lijiye sir, aapko sochne ka mauka de rahe hain!"

Of course the most memorable are his favorite 3 questions. 1. Usne kahan se MBA kiya hain? 2. Did he have a subject called Sales Management? 3. Who taught him that?....Aur tab mat bolna ki maine aapko sales padhaya hai"

"Anand aa gaya Sir..." 

"CEO phone ghumaya usko aur khoob gali diya". So he came back to his room and then "Ek black cofee piya, aur boss ko khoob gaali diya! Ek coffee bhi kick deti hain"!

"Ab sab kuch hum hi thodi na bolenge, kuch to aap log bhi bol dijiye na Sir!"

"Kuch bhi bol dijiye. Aap jo bolenge sab sahi hoga."

"Sir, humko bhi sun lijiye na Sir."

"Kelloggs bolke ek company thi. Abhi bhi hai!"

When he wraps up the class, he would say "So, thats all for today."

His song to the customer would often to "Hame tumse pyaar kitna, .Yeh hum nahin... " 

"Sir, aap sey kuch nahi maang rahe hain, par agar kabhi apki company mein aaye to contract hamein hi dijiyega."

When a student uses high funda technical worlds, he would reply "Yeh sab tho author ne kaha hain, aap kuch bol dijiye."

 "Purchase manager ka saara khoon paanv se chehre pe chad gaya. Corporate Yoga Sir!"

"The MD started looking out of the window."

"Kotler ne kaha hain, hum nai kahe."

"Nadi kinare baithe the Sir" 

"Maine apne professor ko phone lagaya jisne mujheB2B padhaya tha."

When he wins an order from a new customer, he would sing this song - "Pehla nasha pehla khumma naya pyaar hai maya intezaar.."

"Ek garam chai ka cup or a sealed mineral water ka bottle hi toh mangte hain hum, Sir"·

Statistics reveal that more than 90% of the world's CEOs began their career with sales. "Kyon ki jo sales nahi kiya, uski zindagi to customer banke reh sati hai!"

"Kitna sundar likha hai."

 "Sir, agar price badana hai tho purchase manager ke paas math jaiye. It's daylight robbery!" 

When you attend a client meeting, you need to gauge who has the most influence. For instance, "Agar marketing manager hai, tho sab poochenge - "Sharmaji, aapka kya kayal hai?" Everyone would look at Sharmaji."

"Nadi kinaare jaa ke sone me bada anand aata hai. Agar nadi na ho to ek balti pani hi rakh lijiye"! 

"Arey! Hum Bihar se hain na. Ek cup chai aur pilaiye…"